18. Reciprocity

Reciprocity is the instinctive urge towards fairness, and it is hardwired into us from childhood.

Picture two children who have come around to each other's houses to play. If they share and play nicely, they have an enjoyable time. If one takes more than they give, the other feels slighted and will either resent or outright reject the one being unfair.

This instinct towards fairness is not limited to human beings. It goes all the way down to rats (Bekoff, 2009).

We have this innate sense that if someone does us a kindness or gives us something, we should do something to even the scales. This is the underpinning of how humans created economic structure, trade, fair business partnerships, balanced friendships, healthy domestic arrangements.

The rule of Reciprocity says that we should try to repay, in kind, what another person has provided us. If a neighbour does us a favour, we do one in return. If a friend remembers our birthday with a gift, we remember theirs.

You have probably been for a meal where, at the end, the waiter brings a little mint sweet with the bill. This is not accidental. Research has found that one mint per customer created a 3% increase in tip size, two mints created a 14% increase, and when the waiter gives one mint each, walks away, then turns around and says "for you nice people, here, have two" the increase was a massive 23% (Strohmetz, 2002).

Ethical Use of Reciprocity

There is nothing inherently wrong with the Reciprocity principle. It is the basis of most functional human relationships.

Consider a neighbour who regularly helps the elderly couple next door with their garden. No agenda, no ulterior motive, just genuine helpfulness. Over time, the couple comes to trust that neighbour. When the neighbour asks for a small favour, they are glad to help. Both parties benefit, and both feel respected.

Or think about a good teacher who invests extra time in a struggling student, not because they want something, but because they believe the student is capable of more. The student feels that investment and works harder, not out of obligation but out of genuine motivation. That is Reciprocity operating as it was designed to: creating a cycle of mutual benefit.

The trouble begins when Reciprocity is manufactured. When the "gift" is not given freely but calculated to create a sense of debt. When the generosity comes with invisible strings.

How JWs Use Reciprocity

Jehovah's Witnesses offer all kinds of things that are "free of financial charge" but not free of cost.

On a region-by-region basis, some congregations promote acts of kindness and community support, helping the elderly neighbour with wood chopping, mowing their lawn, that sort of thing. You may remember how this was always encouraged with great emphasis on it being a method of "giving a good witness" and nothing to do with kindness for its own sake.

The free Bible study is the flagship. Two people show up, give you their time, go to great lengths to explain things, and seem genuinely invested in bringing you comfort and hope. That apparent positive intent feels like a very kind gift, especially to a sincere householder who may be facing some personal challenges.

As a result, you end up with a person who then feels guilty if they think about cancelling. "This lovely couple have spent all this time studying with me." The sense of owing them causes a decision that is not in your best interests, and you go along to get along.

If you were born in and grew up in the organisation, the same mechanism applied. When doubts began to surface, many of us were riddled with guilt. "My parents have worked so hard to teach this to me, to inculcate it in me. I do not want to reject their efforts and hurt their feelings. They will be so upset if I throw it all back in their face." In fact, they might have said exactly those words to you directly.

Identification Exercise: Reciprocity

Take a moment with these questions. The purpose is not to relive painful memories but to build the skill of noticing this principle in action. The better you can recognise it retrospectively, the more likely you are to catch it in real time.

• Who in your life, past or present, have you felt indebted to? Was the debt real, or was it manufactured by the way the "gift" was given?
• Think of a time you went along with something you did not want, because someone had done something for you first. What was the situation? What would you have chosen if the sense of obligation had not been there?
• How did it feel in your body when the pull of Reciprocity took hold? Was it guilt? Obligation? A sense that refusing would make you a bad person?
• On a scale of 1-10, how effective was this tactic when it was used against you?